Message to all: Unless you are ignorant and not wanting to understand why you are doing what you are.
When I read about your horrid stories and what came visually clear to me was this: THE SWEET SHOP IS OPEN AND SAW THIS GENUINE, BEAUTIFUL CANDY PEERING BACK AT HIM CRYING OUT TO BE EATEN - HE DOES THEN THROWS AWAY THE WRAPPER ONCE HE IS DONE. This is kind of like what affairs are about to satisfy male, temporary needs because indeed, his needs with you were temporary and full of wrongful deceit.
It is truly appaling that men choose to cheat rather than settle for monogamy with the woman he has made a committment. Somone who isn't happy, has deeper personal issues that are not even to do with his marriage but to do with unresolved issues to do with their childhoods and relationships from his earlier life that are merley brought into the marriage later on. Many blame their marriages for their problems but in fact, they go on a much deeper level than this and usually can be traced back to their childhood years.
Our upbringing is what determines our values, our behaviours and beleifs into adult life and women who are nurturing and loving, ultimatley attract men who have issues simply because in some way they feel that they can help them out of their dispair little realizing that it is not the fact or the case that many are not in unhappy marriages at all - this is a mask for what lies beneath the issues.
I have never dated a married man nor had an affair but I was almost tempted once, though I saw it for what it was from the beginning - A reason to nurture and care for someone who wouldn't do the same back. But I never quite fancied the idea of being shared with anyone like I had to share my father's attention as a child with other siblings. I thus, grew up to want one single man available to me only and would loathe the idea of sharing love and just wouldn't do it because it would bring back all of the past feelings of hurt and rejection I certainly wouldn't want now as an adult.
The women having these affairs are not dealing with their own underlying reasons as to why they are willing and prepared to share another person and somone who isn't available to be more than just a comfort zone to them. People with healthy loving and nurtured backgrounds don't have the same need to have an affair because they value themselves far too much and haven't grown up being rejected and made to feel unworthy of love as children (proven in psychology) - they are less inclined to have an affair. The women in this thread have issues relating to their own childhood backgrounds where they have been either rejected or felt unloved as children - this is very clear.] - THIS IS ABOUT HAVING LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
These feelings are then carried through into adulthood and then projected onto men who are looking to escape from their own personal issues. Here you have two people who really beleive that the world has brought them together because and only because there is a recognized and mutual need to eliminate painful issues of past hurt they are trying to resolve through escapism. Many people will argue that it is true romance and true undying love, and I too have convinced myself of the same thing. However, it is none of these things no matter what you tell yourself. It is pure and simple: to escape from underlying personal issses.
These men aren't in touch with their feelings because they are shut down because only people who have affairs can be shut down. No one in their right mind would consider betraying anyone's trust but because they are not willing to be truthful to themselves why they are having these affairs (honestly), the lie perpetuates itself. These men cannot possibly feel anything for any of you when they are shut down from themselves. If they were totally aware of their reasons and issues and why they are having an affair, they would not be doing what they are in the first place because they would then be 'in touch' with who they are.
Reading the psychology on men would truly help women understand why men choose to have affairs and I am a qualified psychologist to know where I am coming from.
Women who are having affairs usually have very low self esteem and don't beleive in themselves. THEY ARE SCREAMING OUT: PLEASE LIKE ME! - I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU TO LOVE ME! - TRUTH: Men who are likley to have an affair will always choose a woman who doesn't feel great about herself because this will create feelings of unconscious GUILT in her and make it more possible for her to hang onto him - this is his objective and HE IS VERY CONSCIOUS OF WHAT HE IS DOING, so spending time analyzing his motives and doubting them, you are perpetuating a false beleif that he couldn't possibly build me up in this way. He can and does do this like the candy wrapper. Men are quite intuitive and can pick out a NEEDY or low-self esteemed woman easily so don't be fooled that it is chemistry and work of the gods that has brough you together. The only thing that has brought you together is your willingness to be treated in this way and his need to escape from other subconscious issues too.
PLEASE LOVE ME, BE WITH ME are all ways you are projecting (unconsciously) a need that he knows that he cannot fulfill and will be frightened by the prospect of committing anything else of himself to anyone that has such strong emotional needs (besides the willingness to have an affair)and so even if he were not having an affair with you, and was interested as a single man, he would still not be prepared to be committed because men fear women who have low self esteems because they come accross as needy and this is the one thing men fear the most and what genuine men would not attempt to abuse a vulnerable woman. If you are screaming these things in your mind (your need to be loved) then you will be carrying unresolved issues of not being loved in childhood and you are still carrying these feelings now and the reason as to why you are having an affair is because you feel that an avalaible man would not choose you as a partner because you feel worthless of anything better.
This is where the damge is and where you need to do some work on yourselves. You will attract the right man and available one once you are honest with yourself and prepared to commit to start building your self esteem where it has been damaged. There is nothing shameful about having low-self esteems, women do and why there are so many workshops and self-help books and councellors around to help women break the issues that are drawing them to things like affairs. This is why they generally are inclined to have them.
Yes, your adulterer may grow to share intimacy with you, but on the whole, he is calculating and is in fact emotionally abusing and manipulating the woman into having the affair by grooming her interest in him gradually - IF SHE SUCCUMBS TO HIS CHARMS, HE WILL SEE HER AS EASY BAIT REGARDLESS OF ANY AFFECTION HE MAY/MAY NOT FEEL BUT CERTAINLY DOES NOT RESPECT NOT LOVE THE WOMAN HAVING THE AFFAIR- she really beleives that he is genuinley in love. He is not and has no intention of providing committment nor stability nor love. He will secretley disrespect you for having the affair as will read you as having loose moral values (many men rarley talk about their values but there have been numerous scientific tests on men that prove that he will disrespect a woman more if she is willing to have an affair knowing that he is married) - The truth is startling and the man you are with right now, is not in love nor does he respect or care for you.
This is painful to hear for anyone but this is the truth and many tests on men have been done over the years to prove me very right and I also know from personal experiences that men generally would settle down with a woman who is stronger in her moral values than ones who arent. Men who are married will usually stay married unless it isn't working out and if he is any sort of man who is healthy in his values, will not cheat his wife. One who does does not respect himself nor the woman he is cheating let alone his wife.
This is very worthwhile reading and have compiled this to help you women put things into perspective and see things in the true light they really are. Well done to those who have overcome an affair and for choosing to not allow someone to treat you this way and to like yourself much more. It is very hard to break the cycle and you all deserve so much better than to be treated this way but the longer you allow yourselves to be, the more you are inviting pain and rejection and disrespect from the very men you think loves you but they do not.
Ask a man 'so what kind of woman do you respect?' - You will be amazed at how many men will always choose a woman unlikley to have an affair. Even married men will not choose to have a long term relationship with a woman outside of his marriage if she is 'open' to having an affair. So, all you are doing is inviting men married or not, into seeing you in a light you don't want to be seen in. Stop the affairs and start respecting yourself more and then men who are available to you will come running in their hundreds!
I liked the peice that somone in this thread wrote this: Unless he came to me with his divorce papers all signed first, I wouldn't even contemplate anything with a married man. - THIS IS WHAT ALL WOMEN CONTEMPLATING AN AFFAIR OUGHT TO BE THINKING - NOT: HE WILL EVENTUALLY LEAVE HER. He will never leave his wife for someone who is prpared to have an affair with him no matter what you will convince yourself. I KNOW HE LOVES ME is not enough to make the facts what they are and IN FACT, he does not, never will love you and his marriage is not based on a sham because if it were, then not only would he left by now despite the children, but also that his whole life is one big lie and cheating on his lover and his wife and chaeting himself. THESE ARE THE FACTS and this is what you need to keep bearing in mind each time you think about spedning any more time with someone who will never give you what you are deserving of.
You have some personal issues you need to be dealing with if you really beleive that someone having an affair with you is in love with you. This is more like a cry for help and a strong need to let go of some painful issues pertaining to your own past that keep you in this state of deceit. He is running away from something also but that is his responsibility he needs to sort out - you are not responsible for his feelings and he will not respect you for trying to help him continue the affair he is using to run away from his issues.
Men are not encouraged by society or taught to talk about their feelings as women are and so have affairs as a means of expressing distress where they can't deal with their issues and so it is an escape. What women then do is help the adulterer to continue in his deceit rather than do the appropriate thing and to shut the door firmly on these men who often, years later, break down and find other self-destructive patterns of behaviour to engage themselves in.
Women helping adulterers need to resolve their own personal issues before they can have a normal healthy available relationship. Your life will be miserable and very lonley the longer you are willing to keep up with this affair and will only serve to cause more desturction and hurt in the longer run. Be free of this abusive cycle of behaviour and start to realize your self worth even if it means going to self-esteem building classes. Do everything you can to change these behaviours that are causing untold misery. You will look back and be proud and finally feel you have control over your life and your decisions and won't need to pursue the affections of someone who is simply feeding you crumbs.
CRUMBS ARE FOR BIRDS - NOT HUMANS.
For women who were duped into the affairs unknowingly, the same applies. You are still considering pursuing feelings that he will never return and is only going to add to your low self-esteem that you must have if you are contemplating how you are going to base your self-worth on men who give crumbs - not love and committment. You need to ask yourselves ' so what kind of woman does this man respect?'. - Help yourselves and don't be duped any further.
Finally: Confronting wives is not the solution or where the anger truly belongs. Sure you are angry and so you should be, but at the one who has betrayed your trust and perhaps at yourselves for allowing what has happened to have taken place. Direct and channel that anger into building up your self-worth because revenge is not the answer, nor physical violence. Just learn from the mistakes and move on - get help and support for your low self-esteem that the affair is not responsible for creating. You came into the affair already with it but just allowed yourself to be treated in the ways you have been. The adulterer isn't responsible for you not saying 'no' to having the affair - only for perpetuating a false sense of security and happiness.
Your work is to now turn your experiences around and make posiitve changes to your life and re-establish the good things you value the most about yourself. Start getting your self-worth back because this is where the root cause of your own behaviours is causing you to allow others to treat you in these ways and if I am wrong, then so is the entire mass of psychologists worldwide who counsel women and men who have had affairs, so what I am saying is truthful advice I am freely giving to help women I genuinley feel do these things because inside they do not like nor accept themselves.